The Devious Dictum

All Change

2010-05-11T18:10:00.000+01:00

Now I know I've said it before but this time I mean it.

This blog is moving.

Please if you'd like to make your way across the platform and board the next available train you will then find yourself at:

www.deviousdictum.co.uk

I've even moved over all the posts from here and all your comments even though most of them were rabid ramblings devoid of logic, reason or spelling. (My posts, not your comments)

See you over there. Oh, and I've cut the grass and had a hover up as well. It looks nice.

Dictatorship

2010-05-10T06:54:00.001+01:00

On the 27th June 2007 Gordon Brown got into Number 10 Downing Street and became the British Prime Minister. He did this not through an election but by taking over the Labour Party. Essentially, we didn't vote for him.

Now we have had an election which, when you strip away the fat, ended up with the British people saying, "None of the Above". Yet Gordon Brown is still in Downing Street... Gordon Brown is still our Prime Minister.

We're living in a dictatorship and no one has realised.

Personally, I don't mind living in a dictatorship so long as I'm the dictator and I'm not so I mind.

Homework

2010-05-04T20:58:00.003+01:00

Every fortnight Simon Munn (a Techno Genius) and Alan Preece (a movie genius) get together with me (a fool) and record The Dead Movie Podcast. If you know nothing about The Dead End Movie Podcast then that just shows how badly I promote what I do on this blog and demonstrates why I have to try harder.

Basically, if you are a film geek then The Dead End Movie Podcast is for you. It’s as simple as that.

Anyway, I was just settling down and thinking of turning on the PS3 for some much needed abuse when I remembered that next Monday we are recording a new Dead End Movie Podcast and because someone famous has a birthday on May 14th and the show will be released on the 17th then we are spending the show discussing that person’s work.

That person is George Lucas.

Now George Lucas creates lots of mixed emotions in me. He created Star Wars which fills me with love, he created American Graffiti which made me want to be born an American and he created Jar Jar Binks which makes me want to kill him, his family, everyone he ever met and even people he didn’t meet. He created THX (good), but also movie merchandise (bad), pushed CGI (good) then abused CGI (bad). He is a man I want to cuddle but also punch.

However, I realised that some of this show will obviously be mentioning the “trilogy”. Not Star Wars, Empire and Return but Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and the other one. Trouble is, while I’ve watched Phantom Menace I’ve never been able to get through Attack of the Clones without falling asleep. Therefore, I’ve never seen the other one. I think this is to do with Hayden Christensen who I consider to be a black hole of talent. An actor so bad that he actually sucks out the talent of better actors around him. So, here I am, writing this post so it puts off the inevitable. I have to watch Attack of the Clones. I have to watch Hayden “Oak Tree” Christensen.

This is a homework assignment and I’m not happy about it.

Here goes.

Dudley Zoo Trip

2010-05-03T21:00:00.000+01:00

Dudley Zoo Photos

I went to Dudley Zoo today with my wife and the second born. Had a lovely day and took some lovely photos including the one you see here. I actually took some of the best photos I've ever taken today so I'm urging you all to shoot over my Flickr page and check them out.

Consider that my trumpet truly self blown.

Poodle Flip

My 20 Song Mix Tape for May 2010

2010-05-01T06:58:00.002+01:00

Well it's that time of the month. It's another Spotify mix tape.

Matt, decided that this month should also be a challenge similar to last month's "Covers Only" challenge. Matt decided that the playlist needed a theme and that's what it has. A theme. Can you guess what it is?

Here's a clue... it's obvious... if you can't guess it you're an idiot.

Anyway, here's the link:

Dave's 20 Song Mix Tape #12 - May 2010

And here's the goodbye....

Foodle Sip.

Democracy doesn't work

2010-04-06T09:26:00.003+01:00

So, is anyone surprised at this news?

All these months of people saying, "We don't know when the election will be" only to be followed by people going, "6th May". But the question is... what now?

Ideally, I'd like to leave the country and not come back until the 9th May. If a group of chavs drove up and down the street yelling through loud hailers people would be calling for ASBOs yet these next four weeks will see suited strangers driving around yelling false messages of hope and then knocking on your door asking for your support because they understand you, and your problems and look what will happen if the other party get in.

It's all a load of sweaty monkey bollocks.

I always feel that one of the biggest problems we have is that it's not about how well a party will run the country. It's more about how well they "appear" to run the country. It doesn't matter what they do it's what they are "reported" to do. The media has removed the politics and replaced it with showmanship, spin and celebrity.

Then, of course, we have the fact that a big chunk of the electorate are morons. How many times have you heard people say, "Well I vote (insert party) because my parents did?" I just can't believe that these people have a vote which counts as much as people who think about who they will vote for, who consider the options. This is why we get "safe seats" and they are the worst things in politics. I live in one and it makes my vote pretty much worthless. It also means that people who toe the party line can be brought in and guaranteed a seat in parliament. From a personal point of view my parent's voted Labour and I have voted for all three parties in the past in a variety of local and national elections and for very different reasons. I try to pick the party that I feel will be best for me but deep down, I know it's pointless for the National. I know I'm in a Labour safe seat and it's because of people who will just vote the way their parents do. I'll do my bit and vote (Lib Dem this time the way it's panning out but that might change) but the chances of Labour losing the seat are really really slim and it will probably make national headlines if they do.

The sad thing is that while people have this, "I vote the way my parents vote" it's proof that democracy simply doesn't work. Add into that the spin and the way that many people absorb their politics through the media then you realise it's not about the best person for the job. These are the two elephants in the room which show that democracy just doesn't work. I'm not sure what system would work but certainly not this one.

So I suppose I write this in the hope that you'll think about your vote and not just go the way your parents did or listen to the editor of whatever newspaper you buy. Think about your vote. Otherwise it's worthless.

The 4am Project

2010-04-05T08:49:00.011+01:00

Handrail
by Dave Taylor

On Saturday night I heard about the 4am project. Basically it's an idea that lots of people get up and take a photo, or a series of photos at 4am. There is absolutely no reason for this and as a consequence I was very interested.

I heard about it from a Twitter colleague called Steph who I have met once while I was eating a lamb curry and as nice as she was it was a lamb curry. Not much will drag me away from a lamb curry. I'll probably die in a house fire because I'll want to finish a lamb curry first. Anyway, Steph mentioned a Wolverhampton meet for the 4am project at the Train Station and I regularly suffer from insomnia and thought, well if I'm awake I've got something to do. Then I found myself setting my alarm and getting quite excited at the prospect. Rather sensibly I also checked the times for sunset in Wolverhampton. Turns out it was after 6am. This meant that I would have exactly the same light to play with as I had at 9pm. I did wonder then why 4am. Just take a picture at 9, no one would know the difference and I'd be able to get some kip.

Yet strangely I found myself at 3.30am awake, camera gear ready and heading out to the car to drive to the meet. I could have walked but I genuinely expected no one to be there. I arrived at the station at 3.45am and saw a taxi pulling up. I knew Steph was getting a taxi and as the train station was closed it made sense that it was her. We met, I thought about my lamb curry I was eating when I first met her and we went about setting our gear up. Then another four turned up. There was another Dave (there's always at least two Dave's in any group - we are planning world domination), Lee, Adrienne, Steph and Dale. Dale is no doubt gutted that the "l" in his name isn't a "v". When we have achieved world domination I doubt this small change will save him.

Then we set off. Between four and five the six of us wondered around the train station, the arches, the soon to be demolished bus station, the main street and the civic centre. So what are the wonders of 4am photography? Well the first wonder is that you meet some really nice, interesting and talented people. So far the following Flickr photostreams have appeared:

From Lee
http://www.flickr.com/photos/hifu/sets/72157623642736051/

From the other Dave
http://www.flickr.com/photos/falconsandallies/sets/72157623765821416/

From Adrienne
http://www.flickr.com/photos/difazio/

From Dale
http://www.flickr.com/photos/daleshephard/sets/72157623649386455/

From Steph
http://www.flickr.com/photos/essitam/sets/72157623653644009/

And from me
http://www.flickr.com/photos/darlo_dave/sets/72157623764915630/

That's all of them now.

But also 4am photography gives you the pure desolation of a place. Other than a security guard, taxi drivers and one group of piss heads who had been in a fight, we saw no one. Being 37 I am at least 20 years too old for modern nightclubs, so I expected it to be filled with people being kicked out of late licence clubs but it seems that by 4am pretty much everyone has dispersed.

Of course, I spent Sunday snatching sleep when I could but all in all it was a thoroughly enjoyable experience and one I hope to recreate.

20 Track Mix Tape for April 2010

2010-04-01T00:00:00.007+01:00

Not only have I remembered to put up a link for my April mix tape but I'm actually typing this in March and have scheduled this to appear as April does. It's a level of efficiency that I'm not entirely comfortable with.

Anyway, before I post the link let me explain the idea behind this mix tape. Rather than just any old songs the challenge was to produce a mix tape of cover versions. I'm not saying these covers are better than the originals I'm just saying, they are covers.

So covers ahoy:

Dave's 20 Song Mix Tape #11 - Apr 2010

Tiddle Flip

It can't be this hard.

2010-03-24T19:33:00.000Z

Hey hey, I know what you're thinking. You dirty minded little sod. No this isn't about penises. It's about comedy shows. Specifically, writing comedy shows.

If you've read my previous post you'll know I'm trying to script a 30 minute comedy podcast in a month. I had a chat last night with Matt and loads of ideas came out. I felt good.

Tonight is a different story. Stuff that had me falling about laughing last night just isn't funny today. Even then, everything seems completely separate and the conjoiners just aren't conjoining. I'm quickly falling into the "this-just-ain't-funny" phase of any comedy writing I do.

Yet the worst bit is endings. How do you end a comedy sketch?

I can't believe how hard this challenge is.

What the hell have I let myself in for?

2010-03-22T17:54:00.001Z

In December a friend of mine told me she was in the short list for funding of a play. She had written a basic synopsis and on 25th January 2010 she had her "pitch". She asked me if I would write the first scene of the play for her. We discussed the idea and I said, "I'll do better than that. I'll write the whole thing." So, during the end of December through to the 23rd January I wrote the play and I thought it was pretty good. It didn't get the funding but that had nothing to do with the completed script. However, I proved to myself. I could do it.

In 2005 I took part in Nanowrimo. Or National Novel Writing Month. I wrote a 50,000 word novel in a month. It's not brilliant but it's a first draft. I just need to do the second draft.

It dawned on me last week that I can write but I need that deadline. I need something to aim for. So, I sat down in the pub last night with Matt and said I need a deadline, I need a target and what came up was a challenge.

What the hell have I let myself in for?

On the 18th April 2010 (that's 30 days away from the start of the idea) Matt and I will record a 30 minute comedy podcast. It will be 30 scripted minutes. 30 minutes of scripted comedy by me in one month. I've written comedy before but never 30 minutes of it. Then it's not just writing it, it's performing it. It's releasing it. It's being told by a keyboard warrior on iTunes that it's not funny.

What the hell have I let myself in for?

As it stands at the moment we will record the first show and I want to release it to a select few people. If you want to be one of those people who reviews it then let me know through this blog or my Twitter page or whatever. The deal will be that on Sunday 18th April we will record the show. Then on Wednesday 21st April I will email you all with a link where you can download the file. You then listen to it and get back to me before Monday 26th April. I don't just want to hear, "It's good," or "it's crap". Justify your opinions. Be harsh and be honest. If the feedback we get is useful and the writing process hasn't resulted in my divorce then we'll look at doing monthly shows from then on and releasing them as a podcast.

In the meantime if you saw anything funny, heard anything funny, did anything funny or smelt something funny please let me know. No matter how trivial.

What the hell have I let myself in for?

Hecklers

2010-03-21T08:36:00.004Z

Last night the wife and I went to see Richard Herring at The Wulfrun Hall. For those that don't know Herring is a stand up comic who has been on the circuit for years.

Anyway, the reason I mention this is that Herring got some heckles. Being a comic of many years standing he was able to put these hecklers in their place but it still ruined the flow of the show a bit. Now I've never really understood hecklers. I am writing and practising some routines to attempt to do stand up comedy myself. It's an absolutely terrifying prospect. I've performed on stage before, I've done spoken word gigs, I've bared the deepest parts of my soul on stage but nothing, absolutely nothing comes close to the abject fear of attempting stand up comedy. It is easily the scariest job in entertainment. You are only as good as your last joke. You can't rely on having a well known Beatles' song to play if the crowd get restless like a singer can. It's why stand up comics very rarely win "talent" shows. If you've got a half decent voice it's much easier to sing a show tune than write a three minute routine with probably 10 jokes in it which the whole audience find funny.

Then, you have hecklers. That group of, usually, pissed men who think they are as funny as you because they can shout out one phrase. If it gets a laugh, the comic on stage looks like an idiot, if they don't get a laugh (and they usually don't) they can hide behind the dimmed lights of the audience. Now don't get me wrong, seeing a heckler destroyed by a comic (as they usually are) is funny but this is about why do they feel the need to heckle in the first place.

I've seen several stand up comics over my life and as someone who has always looked at them and thought, "I wish I had the nerve to do that" I've always admired them. If you think I'm being easy on them think about it for a second. You walk on stage to be met by a single microphone and spotlight. It's a comedy night in a pub and this is the open mic section. You walk up to the microphone and see the shadows of 150 people looking at you. Your stomach tightens, your adrenalin is racing, your mouth dries up. You now have 5 minutes to entertain this crowd. They are expecting to laugh. You have to make them laugh. But you see a pensioner. Hang on, maybe they'll get offended at my little routine on minute three that has some swearing in it. Then you see a student. Hang on, maybe they're too young to get the Two Ronnies reference. It's bloody hard.

Now let's look at the heckler. They don't have a 5 minute routine to fill. They have a three second silence left for comic effect by the star of the show and let's be honest, the vast majority of times you hear hecklers they don't even get a laugh for those three seconds. They are, on the whole, drunken wankers who think they are funny and try to prove it by shouting out, "TITS!" during a three second break.

Am I being cruel to say that if these hecklers think they are funny in front of a crowd they should write a routine, find a stand up night and do some stand up?

I don't think I am.

Plus, why does this happen with comedy but not other things? You don't see wannabe guitarists jump on stage and wrestle a guitar from Pete Townshend's hands because he messed up Pinball Wizard. "I can play that better than you Pete. Fuck off." And anyone who did that would be, quite rightly, considered a wanker.

Then, on what seems to be an unrelated note, I went to the cinema on Friday to watch Precious: Based on the novel Push by Sapphire. This movie is an emotional smack around the head with a cricket bat with nails in it. A very serious film which has the potential to leave a great deal of the audience weeping. It's just a great film. Yet during this showing someone decided that they would eat crisps and drink pop. However, these food items were stored in a carrier bag so a few minutes into the film you heard lots of rustling of the carrier bag and then someone eating crisps. A bit later, lots of rustling then slurping of pop from a can and then lots of rustling and more crisp eating.

Firstly, I'm really really fat and even I can sit through a film without the need to eat two bags of crisps. Secondly, what's the difference between Mr Crisp twat and Mr Heckler twat? They are both showing a disrespect of the audience around them and the work that's gone into the entertainment they are watching. Even with films I hate I sit quietly and wait for it to end. I don't walk out, I don't eat, I don't drink, I watch the film. I don't heckle, I watch the comic. If I don't find it funny I sit there and wait until it's over and I leave.

Now this sounds like I'm giving other comics the right to heckle. Afterall, they will get on stage so surely they have the right to heckle. In fact, I've heard that one wanna be comic was once heckled by Jack Dee. I actually find this worse. They know hecklers are a pain in the arse. They know that hecklers ruin the flow of your performance. Hecklers are just wankers who don't know better. Other comics who heckle are wankers who do know better.

In fact, because I've been looking at doing stand up I've been thinking about ways to deal with hecklers. I read something from a comic once that said, "Hecklers are usually pissed blokes who think they are funny. You are the comic, you are sober. If you can't think of a put down for their comments then you shouldn't be doing it." In a way I can agree with that but I feel it's like saying, "If you're a mountain climber I can pull your safety ropes out and throw rocks at you while you're on the mountain. A good mountaineer will deal with that." Yes, they would... but why do it? Why? There's no reason. You either think you're funny in which case grab a microphone and make us laugh with a well thought out routine or you don't in which case, sit down, shut up and listen to someone willing to put the effort in.

Public Transport

2010-03-14T19:28:00.000Z

I had to catch a bus yesterday.

Within five minutes I saw a man dressed up as The Green Hornet and another man taking a cat for a walk on a lead.

I have to go into town again next week... I'm driving.

Spotify Playlists

2010-03-06T15:46:00.000Z

I've just realised that I didn't put a link up for my March playlist and then it became apparent that I didn't put a link up for the February one either. While I go and stand in the corner to think about my lazy attitude please enjoy these:

Dave's 20 Track Mixtape for February 2010
Tommy Sparks followed by Iron Maiden. That's like putting a tarantula on a baby's bottle.

Dave's 20 Track Mixtape for March 2010
Rock Steady Crew, Perfecto Allstarz.... Fat Larry's Band. Let's get old school.

Next month's mix tape will consist purely of cover versions. But don't get too excited because I'll probably forget to post a link to that as well.

Fiddle Pip

My "Heart Attack"

2010-03-01T22:55:00.006Z

It's been an "emotional" week I suppose you'd call it. Between my peer group and my family it seems I am surrounded by death, serious illness or depression. It's not the fault of anyone. These things happen but it still leaves you feeling like a black cloud is hovering over you.

Then on Sunday I thought I was having a heart attack.

Rest assured dear reader that your narrator is perfectly okay. This is not a tale where we take knowledge from the destination but rather knowledge from the journey.

The Carling Cup final had just finished on Sunday afternoon and I didn't really care who won but Man U did and that really was okay for me. I was also playing Fifa on the PS3 and just generally enjoying a relaxing Sunday afternoon.

Then, I felt a "discomfort" in my chest, on the left hand side, near the top.

I immediately thought, "heartburn" as I'm a fat bastard who wolfs food down his throat in much the same way as you see a pelican force feeding itself fish. Trapped wind, heartburn and indigestion are my friends.

You see, in the back of my mind I have this statement which I'm not even sure is true but has served me okay. "If you have a pain the chest it's probably nothing to worry about unless your left arm starts playing silly buggers." It was then that I realised my left arm was playing silly buggers. I can only describe it as the onset of pins of needles.

Now my mind starts racing. I have discomfort in my chest and my left arm is playing silly buggers. But... was the arm playing silly buggers before I thought about it?

You see, I know about the brain and what it does to you. Of course it's possible that after experiencing a pain in my chest I worry about my left arm and so my brain ensures my left arm plays silly buggers. Our brains do this to us all the time and I am certain it's all connected with how placebos seem to work for us.

Now I start feeling a little anxious. But again, is that a heart problem or me just getting anxious? I can now feel that the left side of my body feels "different" to the right side. I start feeling a shortness of breath, mild nausea and dizziness. I want to mention something to my wife but don't want to worry her. Then I figure that if anything happens she at least needs to know how I'm feeling.

I walk into the room and inform her while also stating that I'm sure I'm doing this to myself and probably got indigestion or something equally trivial but deep down is a worry like I've never felt before. A primal fear.

I phone NHS Direct. Their automated system tells me I can fill out an online assessment so I hang up and give it a go. It asked me if I had pain across my chest. I didn't as it was pain in one part of my chest but I ticked it anyway as it was the closest one.

"DIAL 999 AND ASK FOR AN AMBULANCE IMMEDIATELY" said the webpage in bright white writing on a red background.

"Well that's fucking calming me down!" I said to the wife half joking and half pooing myself.

I phone NHS direct and speak to a lovely woman who decides I need to speak to a nurse. I speak to a nurse, she goes through some lifestyle questions (non smoker, social drinker, obese, trying to lose weight but like KFC too much). I'd also been to the gym this week (news that will give anyone a heart attack) and the suggestion was made that I'd possibly pulled a muscle in my chest. However, she didn't want to take any chances and said I would have to go to A & E, that I couldn't drive myself and if I couldn't get anyone to take me to call 999.

Outwardly I complain that I know I'm doing this to myself, that pulling a muscle is the perfect explaination for the initial pain and that everything but the chest pain is psychosomatic. Inwardly, I'm scared. Terrified.

I phone up my best mate Matt and ask him to take me to A & E which he does almost immediately. My wife wants to go with me but with no one else to look after our daughter it would mean her coming too and I saw nothing to be gained in her hanging around A & E with our daughter for four hours. Matt even said he'd wait with me but I rejected the offer. I'm not sure why. Maybe deep down I knew it was nothing. Maybe I just didn't want them to see me scared.

Matt dropped me off and I jokingly complained that he was about 15 yards from the entrance. "Couldn't you get me closer? I might have a heart condition." I thought it was a funny line.

Now A & E in NHS hospitals isn't the best place to be. It's worked out on a priority basis and obviously everyone thinks they should be top priority but in reality your sprained ankle isn't as important as a dying baby. So you walk in, you give your name, address, date of birth and reason for visit and you sit down to prepare for a long wait.

I walked to the reception and explained how NHS Direct had told me to come because of a discomfort in my chest. The woman never asked my name, address or date of birth she just said, "Go and stand by those doors there, someone will come to get you."

I did as I was told.

By this time, I'm feeling quite ill. The discomfort in my chest is there, my left arm feels weird, I'm short of breath and I start feeling really faint. And then, it hit me. No word of a lie, it hit me. I thought...

"I'm going to die. I'm having a heart attack and I'm going to die."

Looking back now it feels foolish but with everything that had happened and what seems to be a black cloud over those close to me I suppose it was natural. Maybe it would have been weirder if I hadn't thought that way.

What shocked me was my next thought processes. I didn't think to pray, to cry or to scream. I thought about my wife and kids, I thought about Matt, I thought about my friends who would probably feel pain that I had gone. Then I realised that I had joked a few weeks ago with my wife about where the life insurance policy was kept so I hoped that she would remember where it was. And there I stood in the middle of A & E accepting of the fact that I was going to die.

The door opened and a nurse called me in. I sat down and went through the same questions I had gone through with NHS Direct while she took my blood pressure. I remember the old days of a doctor manually inflating the machine but this was an electronic gizmo that did it all while she made notes on my job, fitness levels and social life. The machine beeped and displayed two numbers which I tried to formulate into my mind. How do you read blood pressure numbers again? I gave up and just asked, half jokingly, "So am I going to die?"

She looked up, "Eventually, but not on my shift." And she smiled this sweet smile which warmed me. "It looks fine but I want you to have an ECG." I was led into another room and told to strip to the waist and put a gown on. After a while a young guy came in wheeling an expensive looking piece of kit. He asked me some questions which included what I did for a living. "I'm an IT technician."

"Oh really," he said, "what's the best anti-virus to use?"

I found this amusing for rather complicated reasons and advised him while he set the machine up. He then looked at my torso and explained that he needed to put these small stickers on me to attach to the ECG machine. Unfortunately I am quite hirsute so he needed to shave small squares of hair from around my chest and my legs which he did. I then lay there for a while while a series of peaks and troughs danced across the screen. Once it was finished he disappeared for a while before returning to say, "Do you want the good news, or the bad news?"

"Good news."

"It's not your heart."

It was a relief. But what was the bad news?

"You need to wait in reception to see another doctor. I want you checked out by someone else."

That's fine. I was happy. I phoned my wife and sent some funny texts to Matt including one where I explained that his mother and I were getting married, having sex change operations so she would become his father and I would become his mother. I ended the text by explaining that he was a terrible disappointment to his poor mother. (Yes, it was a long text)

After a few minutes a doctor called me in and this time listened to my chest, gave me some strength tests and declared that it's not my heart, my lungs or indigestion. So it's probably a pulled muscle, it's not serious, despite my weight I'm a very very low risk of having heart problems and to go home.

I apologised for wasting his time and felt guilty now that it had obviously been psychosomatic. He said not to worry. They prefer that than for people to stay at home, thinking it's nothing only to then keel over and die. I'd done the right thing.

I left the hospital and walked home because it felt like I needed to walk. I got home and hugged my kids and when my wife returned from visiting her Nan in hospital, I hugged her.

I woke up today and it was a good day. For a while the metaphorical glass has been half empty. Today it was half full. I'm okay because today I will see my kids and my wife.

Today, I still have discomfort in my chest and left arm but I know it's a minor problem. I'm still here.

You fuckers.

:-)

You ruined my writing Dave... yes you.

2010-01-19T19:19:00.002Z

So there I was, writing. Writing an important play script about important themes with important characters who do important things. Then it ground to a halt because of this man:

This man is called Dave. He is the leader of The Army of Dave. I am called Dave. Yet I am another Dave to this Dave. Don't let the similarity of names convince you we have things in common. You see, I am a simple mortal destined to be hatched, to live and then to die. Dave (pictured) is a genius.

He's a genius because if you look carefully at that picture you will either think, "He's very very tiny" or "that's a massive kit kat". The reality is, it's a massive kit kat. It's a kit kat formed from four chunkie kit kats. That is why Dave (pictured) is a genius. I could never think of that and you could never think of that unless you are Dave (pictured).

So today Dave tweeted this.

All this talk of chocolate makes me want to post a picture of MY GIANT FUCKING KITKAT!

This reminded me how much Dave (pictured) is a genius and I am not. I then concluded that Dave (pictured) could win any argument by using the line, "GIANT KITKAT". I then challenged myself to find a suitably witty and intellegent line I could use to impress Dave (pictured).

Basically I stopped working to impress a man I've never met.

Horribly the best I could come up with was:

"Dave, surely that's an argument based on a being which doesn't have in itself the full reason for its existence." GIANT KITKAT.

He came up with:

"Dave I want a divorce." GIANT KITKAT

Which is a million times better than mine. I will go off now to write, "I will not try to impress Geniuses when I've got plays to write." a thousand times, in blood, on a cracker.

As you were.

Loads of stuff.

2010-01-02T16:04:00.003Z

There is chuffing loads of stuff in this blog post so strap yourself in, get a bottle of water and a packet of biscuits and let's go.

First thing.... My January Spotify Playlist. You know the score by now. Each month I do a 20 track playlist on Spotify. This is the one for this month.

Dave's 20 Song Mix Tape #8 - Jan 2010

Black Uhuru and Rudiger Helbig on the same playlist? Why, that Dave Taylor lad must be fool crazy.

Next, I've seen Avatar. Yes that James Cameron feature which everyone is talking about and even Cameron has said will revitalise cinema and change how we watch films forever. Well, it won't. To celebrate the sheer ordinaryness of Avatar I have done a new film poster based on the opinions of two people who claim to be friends on Facebook (I've only met one twice and the other I've never met at all) and myself.

Next, I've uploaded loads of photos to my Flickr account. You can find my Flickr account here:
http://www.flickr.com/darlo_dave

Look at them and comment or I will drown some kittens in the canal.

Next, it's a new year. Feel any change yet? No thought not. It's all bollocks.

Finally, happy new year.

Foodle Flip

Converting Flip Video Files so they can be used in Premiere

2009-12-09T16:24:00.002Z

This is a break from my normal ramblings. Bascially I have a Flip video camera and I want to edit the footage in Adobe Premiere. Unfortunately, the Flip video camera has an odd form of encryption and Premiere is very fussy with what files it uses. So, I wanted a free, easy way to convert the files. Could I find one? Could I toss.

So, I sat down and worked it out. Took a bit of work but I did it. For those coming to this page via a search engine it requires the use of a free program called "Super (c)" by a company by ERightSoft. If you know the program and just want the settings this screenshot should be all you need.

For everyone else who doesn't know what all that means I'll break it down.

First you need Super (c). Now sadly I can't provide a direct link. You have to go to their website which is the worst website in the world. Really, I mean it. I know the software but free but there is no need for this website. You have to scroll through pages and pages of text telling you how wonderful Super (c) and as each link promises the download you are let down when you realise it's just another page of text. But eventually you get there. So start your fight for the program here:

http://www.erightsoft.com/SUPER.html#Dnload

Install the software and then run it. Take your flip video file and drag it onto the box at the bottom. Then replicate the settings in the screenshot above. Make sure you do both the video and audio settings. The really important bit is the AVI for Output Container, DV Digital Video for the Video Codec and WAV for the audio codec.

This will inflate the original file massively. My 9Mb file above ended up as 102mb but who cares, it went into Premiere and worked. And that, is how we do that.

Oodle Flip.

December Spotify Playlist

2009-12-06T14:32:00.001Z

It's that time of the month again.

Here's the link to my 20 Track Spotify Playlist for December. If you don't have Spotify, well, you must be some kind of weirdo or something. Weirdo.

Click here for the playlist.

Poople Tip

Facebook Your Name

2009-12-05T11:35:00.005Z

One of the first things everyone does on the Internet is type their name into Google. We've all done it and we've all marvelled at the John Smith who has just been arrested for DUI in Washington State and we've all felt the twinge of guilt at the Percy Manthrope who is a successful author and married to a model. However, what I did this morning, for no reason in particular, was entered my name into Facebook. Now when you do this you obviously get lists of people with your name but if you then click on Groups then you get the groups with your name and that's when it gets interesting.

So what did Dave Taylor bring up in Facebook Groups?

I am Dave Taylor
I am Dave Taylor so I can join this club. You are not Dave Taylor (unless you are) so you can't join this club (unless you can). I can but haven't. You can't (unless you can) and you want to (unless you don't want to). There are 35 members. So there either isn't many Dave Taylor's in the world or we are all stubborn buggers like me who won't join any club that would have me as a member.

Vote Dave Taylor
I come from Darlaston and someone else from Darlaston was on one of these X-Pop Idol-Strictly-Cum-On-Ice things and someone asked me if I would vote for them. I said "why?" They said, "Because he comes from Darlaston. I wouldn't vote for myself because I come from Darlaston so none of the other in-bred mouth breathers who happened to share the surrounding area of my birth will get a chance either."

Then I discovered that this is another Dave Taylor who represents Alberta Liberals. I might vote for him. Depends on his stance on free skiing trips down the EEC Butter Mountain for pensioners and if he was born in Darlaston or not. However with only five members I figure my namesake is going to have a very short political career.

Dave Taylor is a God
81 people believe that Dave Taylor is a God. How many people believe you are a God? Eh? Eh? However, as an athiest this would mean I have to not believe in the existence of Dave Taylor which therefore means that I wouldn't believe that I existed and would, no doubt, explode in a puff of logic. As a consequence I'm not thinking about it very much.

Dave Taylor is a Liar
17 people believe Dave Taylor is a liar but as 81 believe Dave is a God I'm not going to worry about it too much.

The Dave Taylor Appreciation Society
10 Members support the DTAS which, surprisingly, isn't for me but for someone who does an impression of Richard III. I just hope that's not rhyming slang.

Dave Taylor Don't Leave Us
Apparently a Dave Taylor is going to leave Hayes CC and get married. Six people are up in arms about this. I doubt they'd be bothered if they realised that it was him who urinated in the punch bowl at the Christmas meal.

Around the Room: Dave Taylor Rocks
You bet your arse I do.

Dave Taylor PLEASE BUY A SMART CAR
21 members PLEASE FUCK OFF.

Dave Taylor - The Worlds Favourite Bass Trombonist
I never knew there was a bass trombone yet I'm still slightly jealous at my namesakes skill.

Dave Taylor is gay and has no life
Only one part of that statement is true.

What Dave Taylor did next... Find Pieface and Career
I was hoping that Dave Taylor had found Pieface a career. It turns out Pieface and Dave Taylor are one and the same and Dave Taylor dropped out of uni after a week.

I really think this one is about me.

And finally...

Dave Taylor needs a swift kick in the arse
He does because he is significantly thinner than I am. Then again, this could also be about me.

So... Facebook your name and click on Groups. Don't bother telling me what came up though because I'm really not interested.

Promises, Promises, Promises

2009-11-25T22:32:00.000Z

I'm aware that I've been neglecting this blog like it's a girlfriend who I'm too scared to dump so I'm ignoring her and hoping that she will dump me. Yet it's not like that. It's more that this blog is my favourite prostitute and I'm happy to spend money on her but I've been out the area so I've had to go to other prostitutes. Now I'm back so I'll see Madam Whiplash and experience that wonderful thing she does with her finger.

I think prostitutes can be used in metaphors more than anyone realises.

So, here's my promise to blog a bit more. Not a lot more, just a bit. I've actually got quite a bit going on so it's kind of nice to have a place where my official stalker can find out everything I'm doing.

At the moment, I'm scratching my arse.

Poodle Tip.

November Playlist

2009-11-05T14:00:00.000Z

Here's the link for the Spotify November playlist.

Enjoy.

Linky here so clicky here.

Spotify Playlists

2009-10-03T19:31:00.001+01:00

Do you have Spotify? No? Well you should. If you don't know what it is, click on the picture and check it out. Bascially, it's a legal way to listen to music online. Loads of music. Loads and loads of music. Sure you can use We7 if that's what you prefer but for some reason I always come back to Spotify. I love it.

Anyway if, like me, you are a Spotify user then I have something for you. My mate Matt had this idea to do mixtapes on Spotify. We would share a 20 song mix tape each month. Each would be an eclectic mix of songs that are loved, forgotten and unknown. There would be no limits in regards to what went on there. So long as it was monthly and it was 20 songs.

Well I've just finished my October playlist but rather than just put that up I thought I'd share all my playlists with you. How nice am I? That's right, bloody nice.

So if you have Spotify, here you go:

Dave's 20 Song Mix Tape #1 June 2009
The Palast Orchestra under Max Raabe, The Dixie Cups and Holly Golightly. That's madness.

Dave's 20 Song Mix Tape #2 July 2009
Rokia Traore followed by The Who. It's like a mad music festival where Rokia Traore is support for The Who.

Dave's 20 Song Mix Tape #3 August 2009
The Pet Shop Boys are on there. Yes, The Pet Shop Boys. You got something to say about that.

Dave's 20 Song Mix Tape #4 September 2009
You can't have Chas and Dave follow Soundgarden on a mixtape. Want a bet, bitch?

Dave's 20 Song Mix Tape #5 October 2009
Mason William's Gas is released before Winifred Atwell.

There you have it. Five mix tapes, a good five and a bit hours of music. Get listening.

Reboot

2009-09-21T17:24:00.000+01:00

I'm rebooting the blog. As with any system this will take a few moments and this blog will be operational shortly. Until then, here's some music.

Do... do-do..... do do do-do